Finding a partner isn’t easy these days, as evidenced by the 55 percent of Americans who feel pessimistic about their chances of enjoying a long-term relationship.1 The challenges of courtship have spawned a chorus of rules, guidelines, and pro-tips from online gurus, dating coaches, and other influencers who lecture singles about what they’re doing wrong. But why is dating so difficult in the first place?
What should come naturally to every living organism — finding a mate and propagating the species — has turned into a frustrating scavenger hunt for a growing number of men and women. Below, I offer five reasons why.
We apply broad, general rules to complex individuals
Men and women bring several rules of thumb to their dealings with each other. You have heard them all. In fact, you have probably employed a few: don’t be too nice, don’t text back too quickly, don’t seem clingy, don’t “do too much,” don’t buy flowers too early, don’t buy flowers too late, etc.
The trouble is not everyone responds identically to a given behavior. People have their own, unique preferences, making it hard to nail down romantic virtue and vice. You could perfectly follow the internet’s script, only to find out that the other person doesn’t like waiting nineteen hours for a response. These behavioral codes and the varying degree to which they apply have transformed dating into a chess match, forcing men and women to guess the right move. The fear of guessing wrong only makes the experience worse.
Exclusivity
In most circles, it is unacceptable to have more than one romantic partner at a time. So naturally, people fear making the wrong choice — or worse yet — settling. Committing to someone bears a high opportunity cost: everybody else. Thus, folks balk at commitment.
Imagine for a second that we made same-sex friendship exclusive. Guys could only have one drinking buddy, and women could only take one other girl shopping. You better get that one right, otherwise, those friendships might never outgrow the “talking” phase. In this scenario, the slightest blunder may force us to call things off and find a new friend. Sound familiar? The stakes are far lower when you can diversify your relationship portfolio.
An abundance of options
The dating pool used to be supplied by church, the workplace, and school. Not anymore. Thanks to dating apps, we can choose from the entire planet. Paradoxically, we’re choosing nobody. This likely has to do with something called “choice overload,” the phenomenon by which many options lead to fewer selections.
Choice overload pervades all walks of life. Research has shown that people are more likely to buy gourmet jams and chocolates when offered six choices rather than 24 or 30. The same goes for students faced with optional writing assignments: their chances of submitting a paper for extra credit improve when the number of essay topics drops from 30 to six.2
Men and women in search of a partner on dating apps are shown far more than 30 options a day. Therefore, it stands to reason that more and more singles will wind up just like the empty-handed customers who were too overwhelmed with choices to buy dessert.
Imbalance in interest
Women are simply less interested in men than the other way around. Studies from the end of 2024 demonstrate that men expect to gain more from a relationship, are more motivated to find a partner, experience greater health benefits in relationships, and are less likely to initiate breakups. Elaine Hoan of the University of Toronto asserts that her research shows “single men are typically less happy with their singlehood than single women.”3
Meanwhile, many women prefer to read about romance in a novel than actually experience it in real life. A 2018 study called “Reaching the Modern Independent Woman” indicates single women between ages 30 and 45 prioritize living alone, establishing a career, and financial security over getting married and having children.4
Consequently, the supply of single men looking for love has far outstripped the demand, thrusting the dating market out of equilibrium with no apparent signs of correction.
Political differences
A growing political chasm separates men and women today. From 2014 to 2023, young women became more liberal, while their male counterparts didn’t change all that much. Heading into last year’s general election, the first Democratic Party candidate, Joe Biden, enjoyed a comfortable lead with young women (+33 points). However, his lead among young men bottomed out at six. And finally, according to a 2024 Harvard Poll, 43 percent of young women identified as Democrats, compared to just 32 percent of men.5
These differences illustrate that date night will increasingly turn into a debate stage, making the search for a partner even more difficult than it already was.
Citations:
1. Cox, D. A., & Hammond , K. E. (2025, January 29). Romantic recession: How politics, pessimism, and anxiety shape American courtship | American Enterprise Institute – AEI. American Enterprise Institute . https://www.aei.org/research-products/report/romantic-recession-how-politics-pessimism-and-anxiety-shape-american-courtship/
2. Iyengar, S. S., & Lepper, M. R. (2000). When choice is demotivating: Can one desire too much of a good thing? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 995–1006. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.79.6.995
3. Brincat, C. (2025, February 14). Men actually crave romantic relationships more than women do. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-actually-crave-romantic-relationships-more-than-women-do/
4. Berger, S. (2018, June 27). Building a career is more of a priority than having kids, say single American women. CNBC. https://www.cnbc.com/2018/06/25/study-single-american-women-say-career-is-priority-over-having-kids.html
5. Kamarck, E., & Muchnick, J. (2024, May 23). The growing gender gap among young people. Brookings. https://www.brookings.edu/articles/the-growing-gender-gap-among-young-people/